Luigi Sucks
by Irontype
Summary: Two ghosts are on a date. One fondly remembers what it's like to live, while the other just wants to leave a good impression. Then comes Luigi...


Luigi Sucks

"Do you ever think about sex anymore?"

"...What?"

In a mansion on the border between the Mushroom Kingdom and the Bean Kingdom, a pair of ghosts hover around a dining table, simulating the act of eating dinner. An elaborate display of ghostly white table cloth, covered by metallic silverware, dressed plates, and romantic candle sets, casts a subtle glow hinting at the intimacy between them.

On one end seats a ghostly male, a vaguely thin figure with a brush-like soul patch and a hairline displaying the seeds of imminent receding. Tired gazes bereft of rest give the impression of gloominess that may not exist upon his person. He decided to wear a blazing red tie tonight.

Opposite him seats a more portly male ghost, exceptionally large around the cheeks. Where the first ghost suffers from a clear face, this one cannot help but hide; hair cascading down his back and temple while a gargantuan beard covers any glowing spot between the upper lip and chin. One could almost mistake him for a normal, lively fellow, if not for the unnerving yellow corneas. He came in a sharp gray suit which accentuates his additional weight.

"Sex," the thin one repeats, "do you ever think about it?"

"Uhhh... no?" the hairy one admits, intentionally avoiding the other's gaze.

"Really? I guess it's just me." The thin one crosses his arms and leans back in the chair. "Ever since I died and became a ghost, I yearn for that sort of physical connection. I just miss orgasms, y'know?"

The hairy one doesn't comment, nor does he acknowledge anything was said. Staring down at the festering concoction on his plate seems to rekindle his spirit. "This looks good... what is it?"

"Oh, that? I don't know... I just whipped something up while I was reminiscing."

"Reminiscing about what?"

"A foursome I was in once. Pretty out there; one of the guys decided to see if he could insert grounded-up mushrooms into his urethra to see if it'd make his dick grow twice its size. We all laughed when he started screaming that it burned!"

The thin one squinted with satisfaction, a brightened smile dissolving the fatigue from his face for the first time that night. The hairy one, clearly uncomfortable, began to reminisce himself of the tired look his date had prior to the sex talk.

"Yeah... but that was some time ago. I don't even remember when I passed." That prominent tired face returned upon the transition of topic. The hairy one sat up straighter, prepared to run the course of the dialogue. "Gaa-AAAH!" the thin one cursed quickly. "Why can't we feel that again?"

"Uh, well, if I may jump in... there's a way to do so." The hairy one's statement was an act of pride; he did not actually have a condition to feel sexual pleasure. An opportunity to get on the thin one's good side had presented itself, and the hairy one committed to breaking his reserved nature to acquire what he desired.

Whatever boredom lay within the thin one's face instantly disappeared. Eyes widened, he stared at the hairy one with an intensity that made the observee blush slightly. "There is?"

"Y-Yes."

"How?"

"Ummm... it's a tad tricky."

"Yeah?"

"Right, so... you, uh..."

"Yeah?"

"It's, uh, it's a... number of things."

"Yeah?" The thin one's head began to bob with every "yeah," irritation showing by the height of his eyebrows.

The hairy one quickly glanced down at the ornate table, desperately looking for something to stall with. His eyes landed on his own fork, which had remained untouched up to this point. "It has to do with a fork!" the hairy one blurts out with a dramatic point.

Staring at the fork, the thin one frowns, unconvinced. "What about it?"

"Ah, so, uh... it-it acts as a... sonar?"

A silence builds within the room upon the hairy one's statement as the thin one contemplates what has been said. His line of sight does not move from the fork that the hairy one referred to. Showing doubt, his lips move indiscriminately as if in the process of deep contemplation. His eyes dart to the hairy one's.

"Show me."

A man dressed in green with a vacuum cleaner on his back enters at this moment. A flashlight in hand, he scans the room for paranormal activity, walking around slowly and listening for auditory clues.

The hairy one, now visibly sweating, slowly reaches for the fork and grips it in his hand. "Okay, now, uh... c-come over here to me."

Without hesitation, the thin one mends through the table and looms over the still-sitting body of the hairy one, taking him off-guard. The hairy one flinches, causing his arm to launch the fork towards the ceiling. It ricochets off the ceiling and towards the ground at an unrealistic speed, which grabs the attention of the man in green. "Yow!" he squeaks quickly, turning around to find the source of the sudden clang.

The two ghosts, now aware of the man in green's presence, stare at him in silence for a few moments. "Ignore him," the thin one orders, "he can't do anything to us, anyway." His attention turns back to the hairy face of his date. "We'll use my fork." An extending arm quickly snatches the fork and returns to its normal length. "Show me, now."

"Y-Yes, okay."

The hairy one shakily rises from his chair, revealing his short stature. His eyes gaze up at the looming figure which dominates him easily by height and presence. Ferocity, stubbornness, imperious; all qualities that attracted him to this particular ghost, even if the subtle physical hints gave way to weak links. This was his only shot to earn his trust, wrapped in a quick and unbelievable lie.

"I have to take your hand, is that alright?" the hairy one asks nervously.

"Yes, of course. Anything."

"A-Anything?"

"Anything. Please just let me feel the way I did during the height of my living."

The hairy one's breathing increased rapidly. Hesitation wrapped his conflicted spirit as he experienced the otherwordly sensation of feeling another with his hand. In his grasp, the hairy one tightened his grip on the thin one's slender fingers, still holding the fork with unbreaking strength.

"Now... we have to... look into each other's eyes." Gazes locked. Silence fills the room, with only the flicker of the candles and the light from the green man's flashlight showing anything within the room. But for these two spirits, it is only them. No other entity should get between them for this continuum locked in intensive connection. Their souls, restless and bound to the earth, intertwine in unison in this moment of togetherness.

"Now... we kiss."

**CLINK**

**VRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM**

**BEEEEEEOUOUOUOUOUOUOUOUO**

**POP**


End file.
